I had no idea just how much power I wield in this city.
Back in April during the heady days of the local election campaign, the Lib Dems announced that if elected they would plant more street trees. Naturally I care a lot about the environment, and spend most of my time worrying about food miles (how many miles it is to the nearest food), and I love carbon offsetting as much as the next man (although it's odd how none of this was an issue six months ago), but faced with the death of the planet, I find myself caring more about bird poo on my car windscreen than my chances of being carbon neutral by Christmas.
So I reacted to the Lib Dems pledge on street trees by announcing that I'd vote for any politician who'd promise to chop them down instead. Within hours, Councillor Warren Morgan had responded by saying that he'd fetch his axe.
Nine days later I voted for Mr Morgan, he was duly elected, and three months down the line, this is the scene outside my flat...
Two of the three trees I complained about on April 24th have just been felled by a group of council workmen with chainsaws, possibly under the direction of a mysterious figure in a suit with an axe. I feel like the Godfather. I can get anything done in this town.
But when I'm not dictating council policy, I've been busy chatting to Big Sis in Australia. She's just completed her first week at aeroplane school (I think it's some kind of remedial class), and is still struggling to tie her own tie, but despite that, she's just come top of the form in her first exam. Apparently everyone else failed, so I bet she'll be popular in the playground now. They're probably writing 'swot' on her pencil case as we speak.
Anyhoo, in a transparent attempt to become the most popular girl in school, Big Sis is hosting a sleepover this weekend for all her little classmates. They're also going on a 'wine cruise', which is like a pub crawl but with boats. Sis informs me that there are wild dolphins in the river, so by this time tomorrow she'll either be mowing them down at the wheel of a yacht, or overboard and swimming with them.