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Monday, July 16, 2007

You never know who you're going to meet on a Sunday afternoon in Brighton...

Simon Cowell
It's Simon Cowell! If you're not familiar with his work, he's the one in the middle. And that's Sharon Osbourne on the left and Louis Walsh on the right.

I should point out that the lipstick on his cheek is nothing to do with me - he'd just been physically assaulted by a middle-aged woman who approached at speed, declared her love for him, and started facially sucking the man. I was going to point out the lip-print, but I decided it would make a better photo if I didn't.

Of course, Simon Cowell is all very well, but personally I'm far more excited about this:

Me & Keig-Shevlin
It's me and Nicky Keig-Shevlin, the Southern FM breakfast DJ! I've written here before of my great love for the woman, and now I've met her in person. I convinced her to pose for the photo by telling her that I listen to her show every morning. I didn't mention that it's mostly against my will. But she turned out to be very nice, and far less annoying in person. She even got her Bichon Frisé, Alfie, to sit at my feet and pose for the camera. It's just a shame Lisa then cut him out of the photo.

Anyhoo, if you're wondering which star-studded event I had to attend to meet all these celebs, it was the Brighton RSPCA Open Day. No, really. It's like a film premiere, but with more dogs. Simon Cowell goes every year. On 20th July 2004 I suggested that he was being blackmailed by the undercover wing of the PDSA, but three years on I've discovered that it's all down to his octogenarian mother, who loves animals (well she loves him) and therefore manages to persuade one of the biggest stars in America to fly over every year to judge a dog show for mongrels.

Bargain HuntObviously I'm not one to criticise, but celebrities aside, the organisers really could have done better. They seemed to be under the impression that if something's for charity, you can offer any old rubbish and people will lap it up. There was stall after stall selling what essentially looked like the contents of someone's wheelie bin, and holding raffles for bottles of shampoo and tins of beans. I'm not making this up. It culminated in our disovery of a stall selling a bundle of half a dozen used copies of What's On TV, dating from May & June 2007, for 50p. The question WHY??? springs to mind. Lisa suggested we buy them, just to see the look on the stall-holder's face, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Even for charity.

The food was another problem. The RSPCA seem to feel that if you love animals then you won't want to eat them, so the catering for this event attended by many hundreds of people consisted of the following:

1 ice cream van
1 vegetarian sandwich stall
1 barbecue selling vegetarian sausages & vegeburgers
1 cake stall

That was it. In addition to the fact that with only four catering establishments, the queues at each of them were stretching halfway to Burgess Hill, anyone who wanted a ham sandwich or beefburger was left on the edge of starvation. Lisa came close to fainting twice.

MongrelOn the bright side, there may not have been any burgers, but with the sun shining all afternoon there were a lot of hot dogs. Nicky Keig-Shevlin arrived just in time for the 'Prettiest Bitch' competition (she was judging it, not taking part), and as you can tell from the picture of a mongrel on the left, Simon Cowell did the honours in the 'RSPCA Dog of the Year', a contest open only to crossbreeds. That's his brother man-handling the bitch at the bottom.

Unfortunately I've now got to attempt to rewrite the day's events for the Argus without slagging anyone off. Needless to say it's going to be a short article. But hey, I'm used to writing Micro Fiction, so it shouldn't be a problem.


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