I've just been down to Shotley village stores for a copy of the Mail on Sunday. It's not a paper I usually read - I prefer something a little more left wing, like the Fascist Times, but I was reliably informed that today's issue featured a piece on King Nicholas' newly published book, and frankly I needed a good review to boost the resale value on Ebay for after I've read it.

So I headed down to the local shop, swallowed my pride, and handed over my £1.30. Naturally I was a bit embarrassed about buying the Mail on Sunday, so I hid it inside a porn mag. I don't think anyone noticed.

Back home, I headed straight for the Review section, and... nothing. I thought I'd come to it when I reached the book section and saw the headline "Evil's Friendly Face", but it turned out to be a new biography of Chairman Mao, and wasn't about Nick at all. Honestly, this is just not good enough. I paid £1.30 in good faith. I didn't even get any cash inside my Millionaire's Lucky Wallet. And the article about 'Deep Throat' wasn't what I thought it was either.

I think I've been duped. Though I did quite enjoy the bit about Hillary Clinton being a lesbian.