Subscribe: Subscribe to me on YouTube

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

It's three weeks now since Lisa and I became upwardly mobile and joined the ranks of the middle classes by buying a designer spoon rest. Buoyed by the overwhelming success of that venture (we've used the spoon rest... oooh, at least once now), Lisa suggested that we consolidate our new social status by getting a meat tenderiser.

Needless to say, we never eat steak, and most of our meat is personally sliced by Bernard Matthews, but despite that, I found myself agreeing, so whilst in the upmarket town of Crowborough yesterday, I popped into Morrisons and bought a meat mallet. It looks like the kind of implement rarely seen outside torture chambers and murder enquiries, but more concerning than that, is the list of warnings on the label...

It's like a cross between a Mogwai and Dracula. That must be where they got the phrase 'Hammer Horror'.

But while I ponder how to dry-clean the E.coli and salmonella off my meat mallet in the dark, the good news is that I'm now permanently off my food. The stresses of moving house have meant that I've put on a ridiculous amount of weight in the past few weeks (mainly because I can't find where I've put the healthy food), and having looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I decided that something needs to be done. For a start I need a bigger mirror.

But I also need to stop eating. Frankly I've got to get a grip. Or possibly just loosen my grip on the chocolate. Either way, I decided to pop out at lunchtime today to buy a diet book. And having browsed the shelves in Sussex Stationers, I chose this one...

Waist Away
I don't care if it works, I just like the pun.


Dave said...

You should come here and labour for me.  Burns off the calories.