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Saturday, June 25, 2011

I must admit, if you'd told me a few months ago that I'd end up paying almost forty quid a ticket to see a middle-aged man in a shirt and tie doing a dance routine with a couple of blondes in swimsuits...

... I'd have said yeah, that's just the kind of thing I'd spend my money on. There might be starving people in Africa, and a hungry toddler in my kitchen, but if I've got a spare eighty quid in my pocket, the novelty acts beat the famine victims every time.

That's comedy dancer, Steven Hall. He's like the Albert Hall, only older and with more of a dome on top. And frankly he's worth every penny. It's not every day you get to see a grey-haired telecoms engineer shaking his booty to Britney. It was like someone had slipped absinthe into my Dad's Horlicks.

I must admit, the biggest surprise of Wednesday night was how much I liked the bloke on the left. That's Michael Collings, the orange-hooded caravan dweller with a baby on the way. I wasn't blown away by his performance on the TV show, but hearing him live, I could finally see what all the fuss was about. The kid actually has a great voice, and what's more, he can play the guitar pretty well. He's like a young me, before the arthritis took hold. Only not as fat, and with a better dress sense. I really liked him.

Blowing a RazyBut if digital degeneration has spelled the end of my musical career, spare a thought for the chap on the right. He's going to need a hip replacement by the time he's forty. That's Razy Gogonea, the only dancer who bends over backwards to please the audience.

He was very good, but if I have to watch someone in a tight-fitting outfit with a large organ, I'll go for Jean Martyn every time. In addition to going solo in the first half, she was back in the second to accompany the dance Hall antics of Steven. And remarkably good she was too. It was like Big Sis had aged ten years and got a better wardrobe.

The best audience reaction of the night, however, was reserved for pint-sized singing sensation, Ronan Parke...

I should point out that this was an all-seater affair, and that every one of those mobile-phone-wielding teenagers had rushed straight from their seats to the front of the Brighton Centre, the moment Ronan parked himself on the stage. I haven't heard so many deafening screams and witnessed such overwhelming adoration since... well, since we saw George Sampson on the BGT tour three years ago. And just look at him now. If you can find him, that is.

Ronan's undoubtedly got a good voice, but having seen him in real life, my main concern is that he's so tiny, he could get lost down the back of the sofa. Frankly Amelie could have him in a fight. The boy's so small, he makes Kylie look like Rik Waller.

All of which brings me to the final performer, the headline act, the climax of the show, and the winner of Britain's Got Talent 2011, Scottish singing sensation, Jai McDowall...

An Eye for a Jai
Frankly I could take him or leave him. But preferably leave him. He sings the kind of earnest, slow-paced choral numbers, the only purpose of which is to provide a convenient time to pop out to the bar. I don't know what the British public were thinking. He might have had more votes than the Lib Dems, but personally I'd rather hear Nick Clegg sing.


A Passer-by said...

Has Jai McDowall got  mexican-style moustache?

Dave said...

I'm not really one to comment about popular culture, but I believe the young lad is from Norfolk.