I've always dreamt of having friends in California, and now I have. Unfortunately it's California, Ipswich, not California, USA, but even so, it was a treat to visit Crash n Donna's new house for the first time last night. I was particularly taken with the well in their back garden...



That's Donna climbing out of it. She's grown her hair recently.

As for the rest of the house, well I wouldn't say it's falling apart, but Lisa got stuck in the downstairs toilet when the door handle came off in her hand. We did wonder what that knocking was. I thought the place was haunted. But fortunately Crash managed to rescue her, and I made a mental note to use the upstairs bathroom in future.

Having arrived (half an hour late) bearing quality house-warming gifts, we were given a tour of the place and shown the built-in altar at the top of the stairs. It's a stylish and unusual feature, and one which probably knocks a good five grand off the resale value of the house, but if I were them I'd keep it. It's somewhere to keep the smoking baby.

We also saw the quality tiling work behind the bathroom radiator, the bath which doesn't work, the hole where the fireplace used to be, the broken toilet seat, and the highly decorative frog motif in the kitchen. Unfortunately C&D had insisted on painting over the orange walls, so we didn't have a chance to see how well they'd gone with the bright green carpet (which incidentally I'd also keep. It looks like a lawn), but we did get to see the new TV which they'd virtually stolen from the local branch of Curry's. Let's just say I want one, and it's my birthday on July 29th.

Tour over, we sat down to the miracle-weight-loss lasagne, lovingly prepared for us by Donna, with vital stirring by Crash. It was actually very nice, as was the garlic bread, over which I did indeed bring up the subject of Crash's vasectomy. The discussion then moved on from vasectomies to natural childbirth, caesarians, and an anecdote which ended with the line "she splattered her head all over the wall", after which we had a fifteen minute break before dessert.

The sweet course consisted of a Tesco Finest (oh yes) chocolate tart. Sorry, 'Tarte au Chocolat'. I've always dreamt of getting my hands on a French tart, and let's just say I wasn't disappointed. Although I was the only person to finish his slice. Something I achieved mainly by deciding not to fill my bowl up to the brim with double cream. Unlike certain people.

Still slightly nauseous from the unfinished tart, we retired to the living room where Donna discovered that her new wireless network featured more wires than she was anticipating, and Crash demonstrated how well their radiators work.

But all in all it was a fab evening. And not just because we got free food. So thanks guys. And Crash, I'll be crossing my legs at 3 o' clock this afternoon...