Piece of cake. (That's not a comment, it's a request). I have duly completed (and submitted) my entry for the 24-Hour Road to Insanity Competition, and let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, it's 997 words of unrelenting quality.

Actually, to be honest, it really wasn't as bad as last time, something I put down to all the good luck messages and crossed fingers out there, so may I say thanks to all you little munchkins who wished me well. I appreciate it. Obviously not enough to share the $300 first prize with you, but even so, thanks.

So anyone wishing to put themselves through the experience of actually reading this piece of classic Philstuff may click on the link at the end of this post. Oi, not so fast. You need to read the disclaimer first...

My tactics for surviving this epic feat of creative endurance consisted of ignoring what the reserved, highbrow American judges might want to read, and instead writing the kind of stoopid gag-fest which would enable me to have a laugh for 24 hours. So if your silliness tolerance threshold is set fairly low, you may want to avoid this experience like the plague. It's not exactly Kafka. But hey, I'm barely out of my twenties, so you can't expect me to come up with anything profound.

Anyhoo, it's called 'Welcome to Earth', but it could've been worse - I very nearly called it 'The Unmistakable Honk'. In fact, in some ways I wish I had. But when it comes to silliness, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Oh, and it features the most criminal pun I've ever committed to paper. And what's more, it regards peanut butter. I can only apologise.

Still, it's reassuring to know that even with an entirely unrelated topic such as this one, I still managed to shoehorn in a reference to bagels. Not that I'm obsessed or anything.

Well, I think I'll go and relax for a bit. Lisa's mother upped the stakes on Monday by sending me packing from Brighton with two packets of Polos and a copy of Shrek on video. (I was holding out for the DVD, but you can't have everything). The Polos are long gone, but I think I've earned a bit of r&r in front of the TV. At least until I have to phone Lisa at 7pm for a chat about the Russian Revolution.

As for the rest of you, Welcome to Earth.