The new series of Cosmetic Surgery Live started on Channel 5 last night. Unfortunately I didn't watch it, so that's a rich vein of source material for this blog down the drain.

Sadly I was forced to go to bed early after spending all day rewriting Internet Cafe (tired old film script) for the Austin Film Festival screenplay competition. I decided to enter after discovering on Sunday that the script which won the very first AFF screenplay contest in 1994 was made into a film, the video of which was sitting on a shelf less than three feet away from me the entire time I was writing Internet Cafe. It's a sign I tell you, a sign! And on top of that, I'm practically an honorary Texan. I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Well, the stetson. So I can't lose. And if past years are anything to go by, I'll only have... um... 3,200 screenplays to beat.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. But nil desperandum (that would make a good name for a horse).

Anyhoo, when I'm not deleting the word 'toilets' and writing 'restrooms', and changing every pound into a dollar, I'm busy fulfilling lifetime ambitions. The fact is, I've always wanted to be a busybody, but I've never really had the time. Or the nerve. But inspired by the Big Yellow Self Storage Company, I found myself checking out the Advertising Standards Authority website yesterday evening, and to my delight I found that it's possible to be a busybody via the internet! Hurrah!

I've never actually complained about anything in my life - I haven't even written to Points of View (although I did once write to Princess Diana), and despite regularly watching Look East, I've yet to lodge a formal objection to Julie Reinger. Though I'm sure it's only a matter of time. But having read some of the ASA's weekly adjudications, and noticed that they tend to uphold trivial complaints made by as many as... brace yourself... two viewers, I was overwhelmed by a sense of power, and wondered if it would be possible for me to single-handedly shut down a company via an online complaints form.

So I filled it in, limiting myself to just one use of the word 'necrophilic' (which I'm sure exists, even if my spellchecker doesn't know it), and this morning I've received this reply:

"Thank you for submitting your complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority. We have passed your complaint to our Complaints team. A Complaints Handler will assess your complaint and will reply in full as soon as possible."

That's five uses of the word 'complaint' in just three sentences. I like their style. And you have to admire their use of the term 'Complaints Handler'. I expect it's like a dog handler, but with more whining.

So that's quite exciting. I think I'll go and write a letter to the council now about the local litter problem.